It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full George Best breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you." "I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F#ck him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea!"
4/30/2006
Joke Of The Day
This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive
restaurant in town; "Where's the pissing, motherf***ing manager, you
cock sucking arsewipe?" he enquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken aback and replies; "Excuse me sir but could you
refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager
as soon as I can".
The manager comes over and the bloke asks; "Are you the chicken-f***ing
manager of this bastard place?."
"Yes sir, I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer if you could
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant.
"f*** off" replies the bloke "and where's the f***ing piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"f***ing deaf as well, are we? you snivelling little piece of shit,show
me your c***ing piano".
"Ah", replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows
the bloke to the piano.
"Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I f***ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most
inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has
ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?"
"I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my
dick," replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The
bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has
ever heard.
"Magnificent," cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in
the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic
ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager
has ever heard.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I f*** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy
ring piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the
job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to
any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night
sitting opposite the pianist, is the most gorgeous blonde he has
everlaid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her
breasts are almost falling out of her black lace bra, the skimpy little
"G" string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample
charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking
suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter dribbles down her chin.
The
image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to
furiously bash the bishop. He's tugging away feverishly when he hears
the manager's voice.
"Where's that bastard pianist?"
He has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the
piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and
starts playing some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over, boobs in
his face and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and your
bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk on your
shoes?"...................
And the bloke replies: "Know it? I f***ing wrote it!!!'
restaurant in town; "Where's the pissing, motherf***ing manager, you
cock sucking arsewipe?" he enquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken aback and replies; "Excuse me sir but could you
refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager
as soon as I can".
The manager comes over and the bloke asks; "Are you the chicken-f***ing
manager of this bastard place?."
"Yes sir, I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer if you could
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant.
"f*** off" replies the bloke "and where's the f***ing piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"f***ing deaf as well, are we? you snivelling little piece of shit,show
me your c***ing piano".
"Ah", replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows
the bloke to the piano.
"Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I f***ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most
inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has
ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?"
"I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my
dick," replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The
bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has
ever heard.
"Magnificent," cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in
the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic
ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager
has ever heard.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I f*** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy
ring piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the
job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to
any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night
sitting opposite the pianist, is the most gorgeous blonde he has
everlaid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her
breasts are almost falling out of her black lace bra, the skimpy little
"G" string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample
charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking
suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter dribbles down her chin.
The
image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to
furiously bash the bishop. He's tugging away feverishly when he hears
the manager's voice.
"Where's that bastard pianist?"
He has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the
piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and
starts playing some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over, boobs in
his face and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and your
bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk on your
shoes?"...................
And the bloke replies: "Know it? I f***ing wrote it!!!'
4/29/2006
Free Joke Of The Day
A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results. Mr. Smith says to the receptionist "I'm here for Mrs. Smith's test results."
The receptionist replies "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs. Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith is shocked "That's awful! What should I do?"
The receptionist replies "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."
The receptionist replies "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs. Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith is shocked "That's awful! What should I do?"
The receptionist replies "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."
4/27/2006
Free Joke Of The Day
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
4/25/2006
Superman Joke
Superman was flying around thinking, "I need a shag".
The Man of Steel was passing over Gotham City when he saw Batman, so he flew down for some advice. "Hey Bats, who's a good shag?" Batman replied, "Well Supe, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comic-land, why don't
you try her?" "I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends, so I don't really want to take advantage of her" "Damn shame," said Batman, and waved goodbye to Superman as he flew off.
Ten minutes later he was flying low over a city when he saw Spiderman swinging from rooftop to rooftop. He flew down. "Hey Spidey, I'm cruisin' for a bonk, who's the best shag in comic-land?" “Hey, Big S, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best shag in comic-land, why don't you try her?" "Well we are sort of friends," he said, "but I didn't realise she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. "Goddamn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster than speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression.
"What the fuck was that?" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off,
"But my arse is killing me."
The Man of Steel was passing over Gotham City when he saw Batman, so he flew down for some advice. "Hey Bats, who's a good shag?" Batman replied, "Well Supe, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comic-land, why don't
you try her?" "I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends, so I don't really want to take advantage of her" "Damn shame," said Batman, and waved goodbye to Superman as he flew off.
Ten minutes later he was flying low over a city when he saw Spiderman swinging from rooftop to rooftop. He flew down. "Hey Spidey, I'm cruisin' for a bonk, who's the best shag in comic-land?" “Hey, Big S, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best shag in comic-land, why don't you try her?" "Well we are sort of friends," he said, "but I didn't realise she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. "Goddamn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster than speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression.
"What the fuck was that?" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off,
"But my arse is killing me."
4/24/2006
Free Joke Of The Day
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me
now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You
cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads"
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me
now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You
cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads"
4/21/2006
Free Joke Of The Day
In Texas this young boy walks past a house with an old man sitting on a porch in a rocking chair, the old man shouts ‘what you got there boy?’
The boy shouts back ‘I got me some chicken wire’
‘what you gonna do with that boy?’
‘I’m gonna catch me some chickens’
the old man laughs and says ‘ you cant catch chickens with chicken wire’
‘then you just watch me’
later that day the old man sees the boy walk past his house with a load of chickens and the boy shouts ‘I told ya’
Next day the boy walks past the house again and the old man shouts ‘what you got there boy?’
The boy shouts back ‘I got me some duck tape’
‘what you gonna do with that boy?’
‘I’m gonna catch me some ducks’
the old man laughs and says ‘ you cant catch ducks with duck tape’
‘then you just watch me’
later that day the old man sees the boy walk past his house with a load of ducks and the boy shouts ‘I told ya’
Next day the boy walks past the house again and the old man shouts ‘what you got there boy?’
The boy shouts back ‘I got me some to pussy willow’
‘let me get my coat boy’
The boy shouts back ‘I got me some chicken wire’
‘what you gonna do with that boy?’
‘I’m gonna catch me some chickens’
the old man laughs and says ‘ you cant catch chickens with chicken wire’
‘then you just watch me’
later that day the old man sees the boy walk past his house with a load of chickens and the boy shouts ‘I told ya’
Next day the boy walks past the house again and the old man shouts ‘what you got there boy?’
The boy shouts back ‘I got me some duck tape’
‘what you gonna do with that boy?’
‘I’m gonna catch me some ducks’
the old man laughs and says ‘ you cant catch ducks with duck tape’
‘then you just watch me’
later that day the old man sees the boy walk past his house with a load of ducks and the boy shouts ‘I told ya’
Next day the boy walks past the house again and the old man shouts ‘what you got there boy?’
The boy shouts back ‘I got me some to pussy willow’
‘let me get my coat boy’
4/19/2006
Free Joke Of The Day
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have
a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see Her
that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money
and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film.
The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my
Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
But I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie
was this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my
business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has
slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the
movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and present
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on
the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling
that she was going to bark."
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have
a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see Her
that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money
and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film.
The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my
Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
But I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie
was this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my
business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has
slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the
movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and present
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on
the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling
that she was going to bark."
Joke Of The Day
I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she
thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up.
track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she
thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"
So I hung up.
4/18/2006
Texan Cowboy and Irishman Joke
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' mother fuckers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
joke, jokes, joke of the day
humor
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
joke, jokes, joke of the day
humor
4/16/2006
Joke of the Day
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard - here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, " What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."
joke, jokes, joke of the day
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard - here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, " What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."
joke, jokes, joke of the day
Joke of the Day
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland, the class geek, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher, “Anyone else?" Little Irish Shaun O'Malley jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says "it will take the contagious".
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher, “Anyone else?" Little Irish Shaun O'Malley jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says "it will take the contagious".
4/14/2006
A Nun Joke
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
Sisters of St. Francis Brothel and Escort Agency, 10 miles
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
Sisters of St. Francis Brothel and Escort Agency, 5 miles
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
Sisters of St. Francis Brothel and Escort Agency, Next Right!
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a Small sign next to the door reading:
Sisters of St. Francis
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?", he answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, smiles, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall , smiling and then slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go In Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis, Serves you right!!
Sisters of St. Francis Brothel and Escort Agency, 10 miles
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
Sisters of St. Francis Brothel and Escort Agency, 5 miles
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
Sisters of St. Francis Brothel and Escort Agency, Next Right!
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a Small sign next to the door reading:
Sisters of St. Francis
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?", he answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, smiles, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall , smiling and then slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go In Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis, Serves you right!!
4/13/2006
Joke of the Day
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his fiancé, marries her and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
Next she takes off her panties and says, "you're the first, no one has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies... "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!!!!!!!!!!"
He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his fiancé, marries her and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
Next she takes off her panties and says, "you're the first, no one has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies... "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!!!!!!!!!!"
Short Funny Joke
An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck"!
The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck"!
4/11/2006
Funny Jesus Joke
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staringat another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's sofamiliar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
And, sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over apint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "Be Jayzez! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. By the love of God, it's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over chairs and tables trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.
The Scouser shouts, "P*ss off, I'm on disability benefit!"
And, sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over apint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "Be Jayzez! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. By the love of God, it's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over chairs and tables trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.
The Scouser shouts, "P*ss off, I'm on disability benefit!"
Joke of the Day
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Heaven Joke
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says. "You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" comes the reply. "You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned! Get out!" she storms. Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again.
"One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?" she asks as the man returns. "I want to turn you upside down, fill your word removed with Guinness, and then drink every last drop". The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up, Love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right, he's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my word removed with Guinness and then drink it all..." she cries.
The husband stops, puts down his bat and then returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love... I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness."
(Rantin Rob)
The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" comes the reply. "You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned! Get out!" she storms. Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again.
"One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?" she asks as the man returns. "I want to turn you upside down, fill your word removed with Guinness, and then drink every last drop". The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up, Love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right, he's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my word removed with Guinness and then drink it all..." she cries.
The husband stops, puts down his bat and then returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love... I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness."
(Rantin Rob)
Todays offering
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
4/10/2006
Joke of the Day
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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