9/25/2006

A Farmer And His Sheep

A Kiwi buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

9/22/2006

Short Pianist

A man with a briefcase walks into a talent agent's office unannounced. "I have an act you have to see," he says to the agent.

"Well," the agent cautiously replies, "I do have a 15 minute window. Sure, show me what you can do."

Without a word, the man opens his briefcase. He carefully removes what appears to be a tiny grand piano from it. Placing it carefully on the agent's desk, he procedes to remove a tiny piano bench, and place it, equally carefully, in front of the piano. Suddenly, a tiny man, only one foot tall, stands up in the briefcase. He moves with a deliberate grace towards the piano, and seats himself. He begins to play Cole Porters, Begin the Beguine, displaying not only a technical mastery of the piano, but an artist's ability to communicate mirth through his fingertips. When he's through, he plays a medly of songs by Bach, Mozart, and Vivaldi. His performance is flawless, exquisite, ars gratia artis. The agent's jaw drops.

"This is Amazing!! Where did you find this talent?!", he asks.

"Well, that's a long story," the man begins. "I was in Ireland last year on vacation. Walking through a field, I stumbled across a leprechaun, and thinking quickly, I captured him. 'Let me go,' he said, 'and I'll grant you any wish.'"

"And so, you wished for this tiny musician," the agent said, "and now, you'll be rich, and famous! You'll travel the world, and stay in the best hotels for free! You'll meet Presidents, Prime Ministers, and Kings, and be treated like royalty everywhere you go! By God, that was quick thinking!"

"Well, no," the man confessed. "Actually, this particular leprechaun was hard of hearing. And, that's how I wound up with a 12 inch pianist."

9/18/2006

A Joke About A Lion

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous
brunette in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them: "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says: "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl andpant and begins to charge her.
About half way there, she throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.
He says: "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the older man and asks: "Can you top that?"
The older man replies: "No problem; just get that lion out of the way".

9/14/2006

The Texan Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The bossliked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."
Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$201,237.64.
Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

9/11/2006

Short Blonde Joke

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the casino table. A very attractive blonde woman from Wiltshire arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds ( £20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... West Country Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... And then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

9/06/2006

A Jewish Joke

A man was standing having a pee in the toilets when he turned to the man next to him and said

"You're Jewish aren't you ?"

and his neighbour replied, " Yes, I am."
and the man carried on " And you're circumsized aren't you ? "

and his neighbour replied "Yes, I am it's part of my faith"
and the man carried on " And it was the old Rabbi Stein who did the circumcision"

And his neighbour said "That's amazing. That's right. How could you possibly know that?"

And the man said, "Well, the old Rabbi was cross-eyed, he always cut sideways and you're pi55ing on my foot !"

9/03/2006

Italian, Frenchman and Irishman Joke

The Italian says "After I make a-love to my a-wife I kiss her from her a-neck to her a-knees and she floats-a 20 centimetres above-a the bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman says "Zat eez notheeng, after I make passionate love to my wife I kiss her all down her body and then kiss zee soles of her feet and she floats 1 metre above zee bed in ectasy".

The Irishman says " Dat`s nuttun, after Oiv`e shagged me missus Oi woipe me cock on the curtains and she hits the fuckun ceiling".