A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hel_l happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
8/27/2007
8/14/2007
Fireman
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a
dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the
cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment,
looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat,
then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says,
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would
I?'
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a
dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the
cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment,
looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat,
then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says,
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would
I?'
8/07/2007
The Magician
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one
problem : the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand
how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look,
it's not the same hat!" or "Look he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was
furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were onboard. The magician luckily found himself
on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would
have it, the f*cking parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went
on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
said......
"OK, I give up. Where's the f*cking ship?"
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one
problem : the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand
how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look,
it's not the same hat!" or "Look he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was
furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were onboard. The magician luckily found himself
on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would
have it, the f*cking parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went
on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
said......
"OK, I give up. Where's the f*cking ship?"
8/01/2007
Smiles
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Redneck from West Virginia, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Redneck from West Virginia, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
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