An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian
Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his
accent. Over the Course of the evening they get chatting. At the
end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to
pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and
After showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him
Again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to
agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks
that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more
cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia. - "Melbourne", he tells
her.
"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I -
what street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies.
"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering. "What
number?" "Number 20", he replies.
She is totally astonished.
"You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams, "but I'm
from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
10/28/2006
10/23/2006
Hungry Irishman
Can I have some Irish Sausages please ?", asked Paddy
The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German ?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would Ya? Would Ya?"
The assistant says, "Well no".
And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I
was American?
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
So with self-indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then!
Why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish
Sausages?"
The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase."
The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German ?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would Ya? Would Ya?"
The assistant says, "Well no".
And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I
was American?
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
So with self-indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then!
Why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish
Sausages?"
The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase."
10/20/2006
Dopey visits the Pope
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe "
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor - tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting: "Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe "
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor - tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting: "Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"
10/13/2006
Two Blonde Genies
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded
by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore
the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices
the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.
It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first
wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded
by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore
the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices
the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.
It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first
wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"
10/08/2006
St Peter at the Pearly Gates
Freddie Mercury, Versace and The Queen Mother arrive at the Pearly
gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they
each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some
mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful
music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade
everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to
be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll
completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the
cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you
will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"
The Queen Mother doesn't say a word. Instead she lifts up her skirt
and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into
her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over
the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a fxxxxxx minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Fxxx off Fred", says St Peter, "you know the rules. A royal flush
always beats a pair of Queens...."
gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they
each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some
mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful
music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade
everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to
be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll
completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the
cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you
will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"
The Queen Mother doesn't say a word. Instead she lifts up her skirt
and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into
her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over
the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a fxxxxxx minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Fxxx off Fred", says St Peter, "you know the rules. A royal flush
always beats a pair of Queens...."
10/03/2006
Elephant Joke
While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply imbedded.
As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and stares at him intently. For a good ten minutes the man and elephant stand transfixed. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.
For years after the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day...
One day the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are
standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant.
The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the
railing, instantly killing him.
Probably not the same elephant then.
The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply imbedded.
As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and stares at him intently. For a good ten minutes the man and elephant stand transfixed. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.
For years after the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day...
One day the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are
standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant.
The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the
railing, instantly killing him.
Probably not the same elephant then.
10/01/2006
St Peter And The Girls
A train hits a busload of schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. =
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Kimberly, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one.”
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Ms T sticks her arse in it!!"
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. =
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Kimberly, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one.”
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Ms T sticks her arse in it!!"
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