A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound
it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the
sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11
and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
6/27/2006
6/23/2006
A Business Man Joke
Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be
successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.
One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he
set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know
and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him,
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears,"
came the reply.
Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the
office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better
than the first guy. But he asked her the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."
Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. Mr.
Patel. He was a young Indian man who had recently earned his MBA. He was
smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the
first two put together.
Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the
same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man answered,
"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"
Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant
person.
"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!!"
successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.
One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he
set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know
and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him,
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears,"
came the reply.
Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the
office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better
than the first guy. But he asked her the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."
Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. Mr.
Patel. He was a young Indian man who had recently earned his MBA. He was
smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the
first two put together.
Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the
same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man answered,
"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"
Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant
person.
"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!!"
6/21/2006
A Dumb Blonde Joke
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
6/20/2006
Short Funny Joke
A man isn't very good with the ladies so he goes down to the red light district and comes acros a woman. He asks her what can I get for £500?
She answered 'What would you like?' the man didn't know as he hadn't done anything before so she said I'll do 69.
The guys happy but has no idea what it's all about, she gets on top of him and takes up the position and a few seconds later she farts! and it really reaks! the guy just thinks nothing of it untill she does it again a few seconds later, but this time it's worse. and the man really can't stand it so he gets up and said ' fuck this, i aint waitin for another 67 of them.
She answered 'What would you like?' the man didn't know as he hadn't done anything before so she said I'll do 69.
The guys happy but has no idea what it's all about, she gets on top of him and takes up the position and a few seconds later she farts! and it really reaks! the guy just thinks nothing of it untill she does it again a few seconds later, but this time it's worse. and the man really can't stand it so he gets up and said ' fuck this, i aint waitin for another 67 of them.
6/15/2006
A Priest Joke
A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in green sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies: "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
jokejokesjoke of the dayhumorhumourshort funny jokes
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in green sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies: "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
jokejokesjoke of the dayhumorhumourshort funny jokes
6/12/2006
A Dog Joke
A bloke sees a sign in a petshop window saying "Talking dog for sale. Yours for £5. Enquire within."
He walks inside. There's no one behind the counter. Just a mutt.
The chap has his doubts, but, since there's no one around, he says to the dog "Do you talk?"
The dog looks at him and says "Of course. Can't you read?"
"That's incredible," says the man. "And how did you end up for sale in a pet shop?"
The dog replies "Well, my unusual talent was spotted when I was just a puppy. Pretty soon,I'd been recruited by the CIA as a spy. Unsuspecting criminals and terrorists would talk freely in my presence, little suspecting that I was memorising their every word. I was the key witness in the Gotti trial. And it was my detective work that helped the CIA track down Saddam Hussein."
The dog continued "Well, eventually, the mafia put out a contract on me and so now I've decided I just want to live an ordinary canine life as a family pet. You know, fetching sticks and humping the occasional leg. So I asked the pet shop owner to try and sell me."
Just then, the petshop owner appears. He says, "I see you're talking to Rex. Are you interested in buying him, perchance?"
The punter says "Well, yeah, but tell me why the asking price is so low. I mean, a dog like this must be worth millions."
And the shopkeeper says: "That dog's a f**king liar. He never did half those things!"
He walks inside. There's no one behind the counter. Just a mutt.
The chap has his doubts, but, since there's no one around, he says to the dog "Do you talk?"
The dog looks at him and says "Of course. Can't you read?"
"That's incredible," says the man. "And how did you end up for sale in a pet shop?"
The dog replies "Well, my unusual talent was spotted when I was just a puppy. Pretty soon,I'd been recruited by the CIA as a spy. Unsuspecting criminals and terrorists would talk freely in my presence, little suspecting that I was memorising their every word. I was the key witness in the Gotti trial. And it was my detective work that helped the CIA track down Saddam Hussein."
The dog continued "Well, eventually, the mafia put out a contract on me and so now I've decided I just want to live an ordinary canine life as a family pet. You know, fetching sticks and humping the occasional leg. So I asked the pet shop owner to try and sell me."
Just then, the petshop owner appears. He says, "I see you're talking to Rex. Are you interested in buying him, perchance?"
The punter says "Well, yeah, but tell me why the asking price is so low. I mean, a dog like this must be worth millions."
And the shopkeeper says: "That dog's a f**king liar. He never did half those things!"
short funny graveyard joke
Two women walking home pissed had to have a pee so they ducked into a graveyard. They had no bog roll so one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other found a ribbon from a wreath and used that.
The next day their husbands were talking. One said " we'd better keep an eye on our wives, mine came home without her knickers" The other one said " you think thats bad. Mine had a card stuck in her arse that said from all the lads at the fire station we'll never forget you"
The next day their husbands were talking. One said " we'd better keep an eye on our wives, mine came home without her knickers" The other one said " you think thats bad. Mine had a card stuck in her arse that said from all the lads at the fire station we'll never forget you"
6/11/2006
A Scouser Joke
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool is a huge scouser bloke 6-feet, 5-inches tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man minces in and sits beside him.
After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the parking lot and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the parking lot and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
6/05/2006
Joke Of The Day
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.
Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could sh@g like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody sh@g like that, particularly at your age.
What's your secret? Could you sh@g like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*****g fence wasn't electrified."
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.
Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could sh@g like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody sh@g like that, particularly at your age.
What's your secret? Could you sh@g like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*****g fence wasn't electrified."
6/02/2006
A Monk Joke
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all subsequent copies. The head abbot replies, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, the head monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by, and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young new monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for the elder monk. He sees him banging his head against the floor. His forehead is all bloody and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice,the old abbot replies............................
"The word is celebrate."
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all subsequent copies. The head abbot replies, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, the head monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by, and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young new monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for the elder monk. He sees him banging his head against the floor. His forehead is all bloody and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice,the old abbot replies............................
"The word is celebrate."
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