12/29/2006

Kinky Sex

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.

"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply. "What a coincidence - MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..." "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkyness together?"

He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come... "Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, and then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.

"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkyness here!?" she complained. "We did!" he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"

12/14/2006

The Last Fling

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me .. it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts,and generally was bra less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered
to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my! life to her sister. Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and
if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight
towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't
ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!

11/10/2006

The Pickup

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf".

11/02/2006

Wedding Night

A man has never had sex, and he gets into bed with his wife on his wedding night.

His wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"

He says, "No."

She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"

He says, "Yeah... you want the whole bed to yourself.

10/28/2006

A Travelling Australian

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian
Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his
accent. Over the Course of the evening they get chatting. At the
end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to
pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and
After showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him
Again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to
agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks
that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more
cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia. - "Melbourne", he tells
her.

"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I -
what street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering. "What
number?" "Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams, "but I'm
from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

10/23/2006

Hungry Irishman

Can I have some Irish Sausages please ?", asked Paddy

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German ?

Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish?

Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?

Would Ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I
was American?

What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

So with self-indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then!
Why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish
Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase."

10/20/2006

Dopey visits the Pope

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe "

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor - tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting: "Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

10/13/2006

Two Blonde Genies

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded
by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore
the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices
the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.

Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.

It's the two blonde genies!

One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first
wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

10/08/2006

St Peter at the Pearly Gates

Freddie Mercury, Versace and The Queen Mother arrive at the Pearly
gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they
each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some
mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful
music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade
everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to
be"

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll
completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the
cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you
will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"

The Queen Mother doesn't say a word. Instead she lifts up her skirt
and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into
her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over
the floor.


"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter


"Hold on a fxxxxxx minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"

"Fxxx off Fred", says St Peter, "you know the rules. A royal flush
always beats a pair of Queens...."

10/03/2006

Elephant Joke

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply imbedded.

As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and stares at him intently. For a good ten minutes the man and elephant stand transfixed. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

For years after the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day...

One day the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are
standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant.

The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the
railing, instantly killing him.



Probably not the same elephant then.

10/01/2006

St Peter And The Girls

A train hits a busload of schoolgirls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. =

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Kimberly, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one.”

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Ms T sticks her arse in it!!"

9/25/2006

A Farmer And His Sheep

A Kiwi buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

9/22/2006

Short Pianist

A man with a briefcase walks into a talent agent's office unannounced. "I have an act you have to see," he says to the agent.

"Well," the agent cautiously replies, "I do have a 15 minute window. Sure, show me what you can do."

Without a word, the man opens his briefcase. He carefully removes what appears to be a tiny grand piano from it. Placing it carefully on the agent's desk, he procedes to remove a tiny piano bench, and place it, equally carefully, in front of the piano. Suddenly, a tiny man, only one foot tall, stands up in the briefcase. He moves with a deliberate grace towards the piano, and seats himself. He begins to play Cole Porters, Begin the Beguine, displaying not only a technical mastery of the piano, but an artist's ability to communicate mirth through his fingertips. When he's through, he plays a medly of songs by Bach, Mozart, and Vivaldi. His performance is flawless, exquisite, ars gratia artis. The agent's jaw drops.

"This is Amazing!! Where did you find this talent?!", he asks.

"Well, that's a long story," the man begins. "I was in Ireland last year on vacation. Walking through a field, I stumbled across a leprechaun, and thinking quickly, I captured him. 'Let me go,' he said, 'and I'll grant you any wish.'"

"And so, you wished for this tiny musician," the agent said, "and now, you'll be rich, and famous! You'll travel the world, and stay in the best hotels for free! You'll meet Presidents, Prime Ministers, and Kings, and be treated like royalty everywhere you go! By God, that was quick thinking!"

"Well, no," the man confessed. "Actually, this particular leprechaun was hard of hearing. And, that's how I wound up with a 12 inch pianist."

9/18/2006

A Joke About A Lion

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous
brunette in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them: "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says: "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl andpant and begins to charge her.
About half way there, she throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.
He says: "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the older man and asks: "Can you top that?"
The older man replies: "No problem; just get that lion out of the way".

9/14/2006

The Texan Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The bossliked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."
Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$201,237.64.
Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

9/11/2006

Short Blonde Joke

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the casino table. A very attractive blonde woman from Wiltshire arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds ( £20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... West Country Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... And then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

9/06/2006

A Jewish Joke

A man was standing having a pee in the toilets when he turned to the man next to him and said

"You're Jewish aren't you ?"

and his neighbour replied, " Yes, I am."
and the man carried on " And you're circumsized aren't you ? "

and his neighbour replied "Yes, I am it's part of my faith"
and the man carried on " And it was the old Rabbi Stein who did the circumcision"

And his neighbour said "That's amazing. That's right. How could you possibly know that?"

And the man said, "Well, the old Rabbi was cross-eyed, he always cut sideways and you're pi55ing on my foot !"

9/03/2006

Italian, Frenchman and Irishman Joke

The Italian says "After I make a-love to my a-wife I kiss her from her a-neck to her a-knees and she floats-a 20 centimetres above-a the bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman says "Zat eez notheeng, after I make passionate love to my wife I kiss her all down her body and then kiss zee soles of her feet and she floats 1 metre above zee bed in ectasy".

The Irishman says " Dat`s nuttun, after Oiv`e shagged me missus Oi woipe me cock on the curtains and she hits the fuckun ceiling".

8/25/2006

Drunk Irishman Joke

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Two Dogs

Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"

The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."

The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"

The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?"

"No no, I'm having my claws clipped"

8/22/2006

Dead Duck Joke

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the
table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the Bird's'
chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so Sorry, your duck has p assed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
Testing on him or anything. He might just be i n a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned A
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
Legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
From top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook
His head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly And
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said , "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
Is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in s hock, took the bill. "?150!", she cried -
"?150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been ?20,
but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now ?150."

8/17/2006

A Blonde Joke

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars
out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her
to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to
send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."

8/12/2006

Little Old Lady In Court Joke

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:? What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me!, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!! And that's when I shot him, the little bastard."

8/01/2006

Englishman and Irishman Joke

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky.

He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

Blonde Joke

A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for 'Economy' and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and will have to return to her original place.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here!'

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Toronto."

7/18/2006

A Duck Joke

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me
again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d of a
f**king bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

7/10/2006

A Short Woodpecker Joke

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were
arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no
woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and
promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The
Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian
woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely
unpeckable. The Hawaii woodpecker expressed confidence
he could do it, so accepted the challenge.

After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully
pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that
the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian
tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the
Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in
their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the
same conclusion...

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

7/09/2006

Blonde Joke

The ventriloquist... with his dummy on his knee starts going through the usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that stupid little bitch on your knee!"

7/05/2006

A Short Dyslexic Joke

Two dyslexics travelling in a car together.

One turns to the other and says "Can you smell petrol?"

The other turns to him and says "Petrol? I can't even smell my name"

7/02/2006

A School Boy Joke

A man is walking past a primary school when he hears a very loud cry of '13! 13! 13!' coming from inside. wondering what the chanting is all about he finds a hole in the wall and looks through it. suddenly a small finger reaches from the classroom and pokes him in the eye. the kids then start chanting '14! 14! 14!'

6/27/2006

Fishing Joke

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter.

The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound
it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the
sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11
and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

6/23/2006

A Business Man Joke

Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be
successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he
set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know
and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him,
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears,"
came the reply.

Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the
office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better
than the first guy. But he asked her the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. Mr.
Patel. He was a young Indian man who had recently earned his MBA. He was
smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the
first two put together.

Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the
same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man answered,

"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant
person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied,

"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!!"

6/21/2006

A Dumb Blonde Joke

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

6/20/2006

Short Funny Joke

A man isn't very good with the ladies so he goes down to the red light district and comes acros a woman. He asks her what can I get for £500?

She answered 'What would you like?' the man didn't know as he hadn't done anything before so she said I'll do 69.

The guys happy but has no idea what it's all about, she gets on top of him and takes up the position and a few seconds later she farts! and it really reaks! the guy just thinks nothing of it untill she does it again a few seconds later, but this time it's worse. and the man really can't stand it so he gets up and said ' fuck this, i aint waitin for another 67 of them.

6/15/2006

A Priest Joke

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."



Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."


The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.



The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in green sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"



The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies: "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

6/12/2006

A Dog Joke

A bloke sees a sign in a petshop window saying "Talking dog for sale. Yours for £5. Enquire within."

He walks inside. There's no one behind the counter. Just a mutt.

The chap has his doubts, but, since there's no one around, he says to the dog "Do you talk?"

The dog looks at him and says "Of course. Can't you read?"

"That's incredible," says the man. "And how did you end up for sale in a pet shop?"

The dog replies "Well, my unusual talent was spotted when I was just a puppy. Pretty soon,I'd been recruited by the CIA as a spy. Unsuspecting criminals and terrorists would talk freely in my presence, little suspecting that I was memorising their every word. I was the key witness in the Gotti trial. And it was my detective work that helped the CIA track down Saddam Hussein."

The dog continued "Well, eventually, the mafia put out a contract on me and so now I've decided I just want to live an ordinary canine life as a family pet. You know, fetching sticks and humping the occasional leg. So I asked the pet shop owner to try and sell me."

Just then, the petshop owner appears. He says, "I see you're talking to Rex. Are you interested in buying him, perchance?"

The punter says "Well, yeah, but tell me why the asking price is so low. I mean, a dog like this must be worth millions."

And the shopkeeper says: "That dog's a f**king liar. He never did half those things!"

short funny graveyard joke

Two women walking home pissed had to have a pee so they ducked into a graveyard. They had no bog roll so one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other found a ribbon from a wreath and used that.

The next day their husbands were talking. One said " we'd better keep an eye on our wives, mine came home without her knickers" The other one said " you think thats bad. Mine had a card stuck in her arse that said from all the lads at the fire station we'll never forget you"

6/11/2006

A Scouser Joke

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool is a huge scouser bloke 6-feet, 5-inches tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man minces in and sits beside him.



After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"



At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the parking lot and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.



Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer.



"I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"



"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

6/05/2006

Joke Of The Day

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.

Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could sh@g like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody sh@g like that, particularly at your age.

What's your secret? Could you sh@g like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*****g fence wasn't electrified."

6/02/2006

A Monk Joke

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all subsequent copies. The head abbot replies, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, the head monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by, and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young new monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for the elder monk. He sees him banging his head against the floor. His forehead is all bloody and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice,the old abbot replies............................

"The word is celebrate."

5/28/2006

A Cowboy Joke

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian

5/27/2006

Short Funny Joke

2 sausages in an oven. 1st one says: jesus it's hot in here!"

2nd one says " fuck me a talking sausage!"

5/26/2006

A Heaven Joke

A lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting with St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my God," says the lady, "now what is happening"?

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the lady, "I'm off down to hell." "You can't go there," says St Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomised." "Yes, but I've already got the holes for that."

5/25/2006

Really Really Funny Joke

A bloke walks into a bar with a crocodile. Predictably, most of the patrons scarper and the barman complains. But the owner of the croc says, "No worries, mate, watch this." Picking up a bottle, he smashes it over the croc's head. No reaction, other than a wag of the head. The bloke then gets his cock out and puts it in the croc's mouth, but again the croc just wags its head. Then a fellow punter asks if he can try it.

"Help yourself, mate," says the owner.

The punter proceeds to smash a bottle over the croc's head and then put his cock in its mouth. The croc just gives its usual response. Word spreads and several blokes try it. Then an old biddy walks up for a go.

"Can I just make one request, though?" she asks the owner.

"Ask away, " he replies.

"Don't hit me so hard with the bottle."

5/24/2006

Funny dumb blonde joke

A blonde girl had just purchased a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut up a truck driver.

He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres.

Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it.

He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."

5/22/2006

Short Funny Joke

A hideously ugly woman goes into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?"

"No," replied the woman "do they look alike?"

"No, I just can't believe you've been fucked twice!"

5/17/2006

Short Funny Joke

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest,

"Bless me, father, for I have sinned I was with seven different women last night."

The priest is silent for a moment, and then says "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp."

"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that fucking smirk off your face!"

5/15/2006

An Irishman Joke

Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were
sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a 'phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to
his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile 'phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman glanced around behind him and said ..

" B-jesus , will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!"

5/12/2006

A Medical Joke

A man went to an urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect.

The doctor checked him out, then told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. ; However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the
risk.
The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on
the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try
out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic
evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants
in town.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse..."

5/11/2006

Three Tests

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind
the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses
there must be thousands of dollars there...He approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then
you get all of the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender:"Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar
with the other bills...

Bartender: "Ok, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that
whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't
make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back
with a sore tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You got to make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't
do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get
crazier from there...

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it
with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not
make a face... Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into
the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body...

"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

5/10/2006

Joke of the day

Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were
sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a 'phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to
his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile 'phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman glanced around behind him and said ..

" B-jesus , will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!"

5/08/2006

A Dwarf Joke

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf
replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him
the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the
owner
picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth....
can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the
dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth.' he says
'Now...can I see
her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and
shoves his head deep inside the horses fanny . He holds him there
for a
couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"

5/07/2006

An Irishman Joke

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
"Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door
and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

5/05/2006

Funny Ugly Joke

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said 'OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse
case I ever see.Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God,Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, " Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse ."

5/03/2006

Joke Of The Day

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....


Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you..
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"


"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent therest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Short Funniest Joke

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer and goes to HR. She tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

5/02/2006

Short funny animal joke

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

5/01/2006

Joke Of The Day - Girlfriend Joke

Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to
marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how
each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the
money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure,
the works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look
pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player,
a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says,
"I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I
love you so much."

The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock
market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the
man and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the
rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

4/30/2006

Joke Of The Day - Dumb Blonde Joke

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full George Best breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you." "I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F#ck him. Give him a fiver."

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea!"

Joke Of The Day

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive
restaurant in town; "Where's the pissing, motherf***ing manager, you
cock sucking arsewipe?" he enquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken aback and replies; "Excuse me sir but could you
refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager
as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks; "Are you the chicken-f***ing
manager of this bastard place?."

"Yes sir, I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer if you could
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant.

"f*** off" replies the bloke "and where's the f***ing piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"f***ing deaf as well, are we? you snivelling little piece of shit,show
me your c***ing piano".

"Ah", replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows
the bloke to the piano.

"Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I f***ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most
inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has
ever heard.

"That's superb. What's it called?"

"I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my
dick," replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The
bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has
ever heard.

"Magnificent," cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in
the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic
ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager
has ever heard.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I f*** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy
ring piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the
job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to
any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night
sitting opposite the pianist, is the most gorgeous blonde he has
everlaid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her
breasts are almost falling out of her black lace bra, the skimpy little
"G" string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample
charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking
suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter dribbles down her chin.
The
image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to
furiously bash the bishop. He's tugging away feverishly when he hears
the manager's voice.

"Where's that bastard pianist?"

He has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the
piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and
starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over, boobs in
his face and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and your
bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk on your
shoes?"...................

And the bloke replies: "Know it? I f***ing wrote it!!!'

4/29/2006

Free Joke Of The Day

A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results. Mr. Smith says to the receptionist "I'm here for Mrs. Smith's test results."

The receptionist replies "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs. Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"

Mr Smith is shocked "That's awful! What should I do?"

The receptionist replies "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."

4/27/2006

Free Joke Of The Day

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

4/25/2006

Superman Joke

Superman was flying around thinking, "I need a shag".

The Man of Steel was passing over Gotham City when he saw Batman, so he flew down for some advice. "Hey Bats, who's a good shag?" Batman replied, "Well Supe, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comic-land, why don't
you try her?" "I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends, so I don't really want to take advantage of her" "Damn shame," said Batman, and waved goodbye to Superman as he flew off.

Ten minutes later he was flying low over a city when he saw Spiderman swinging from rooftop to rooftop. He flew down. "Hey Spidey, I'm cruisin' for a bonk, who's the best shag in comic-land?" “Hey, Big S, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best shag in comic-land, why don't you try her?" "Well we are sort of friends," he said, "but I didn't realise she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. "Goddamn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster than speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression.

"What the fuck was that?" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off,
"But my arse is killing me."

4/24/2006

Free Joke Of The Day

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me
now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You
cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads"

4/21/2006

Free Joke Of The Day

In Texas this young boy walks past a house with an old man sitting on a porch in a rocking chair, the old man shouts ‘what you got there boy?’

The boy shouts back ‘I got me some chicken wire’

‘what you gonna do with that boy?’

‘I’m gonna catch me some chickens’

the old man laughs and says ‘ you cant catch chickens with chicken wire’

‘then you just watch me’

later that day the old man sees the boy walk past his house with a load of chickens and the boy shouts ‘I told ya’

Next day the boy walks past the house again and the old man shouts ‘what you got there boy?’

The boy shouts back ‘I got me some duck tape’

‘what you gonna do with that boy?’

‘I’m gonna catch me some ducks’

the old man laughs and says ‘ you cant catch ducks with duck tape’

‘then you just watch me’

later that day the old man sees the boy walk past his house with a load of ducks and the boy shouts ‘I told ya’

Next day the boy walks past the house again and the old man shouts ‘what you got there boy?’

The boy shouts back ‘I got me some to pussy willow’

‘let me get my coat boy’

4/19/2006

Free Joke Of The Day

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have
a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see Her
that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money
and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film.

The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my
Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
But I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie
was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my
business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has
slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the
movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and present
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on
the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling
that she was going to bark."

Joke Of The Day

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she
thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.

4/18/2006

Texan Cowboy and Irishman Joke

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' mother fuckers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

, ,

4/16/2006

Joke of the Day

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard - here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, " What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

, ,

Joke of the Day

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland, the class geek, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher, “Anyone else?" Little Irish Shaun O'Malley jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says "it will take the contagious".

4/14/2006

A Nun Joke

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

Sisters of St. Francis Brothel and Escort Agency, 10 miles

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

Sisters of St. Francis Brothel and Escort Agency, 5 miles

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

Sisters of St. Francis Brothel and Escort Agency, Next Right!

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a Small sign next to the door reading:

Sisters of St. Francis

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?", he answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, smiles, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall , smiling and then slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go In Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis, Serves you right!!

4/13/2006

Joke of the Day

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his fiancé, marries her and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

Next she takes off her panties and says, "you're the first, no one has ever touched me here."

Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies... "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!!!!!!!!!!"

Short Funny Joke

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck"!

4/11/2006

Funny Jesus Joke

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staringat another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's sofamiliar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

And, sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over apint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "Be Jayzez! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. By the love of God, it's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over chairs and tables trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.

The Scouser shouts, "P*ss off, I'm on disability benefit!"

Joke of the Day

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

Heaven Joke

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says. "You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" comes the reply. "You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned! Get out!" she storms. Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?" she asks as the man returns. "I want to turn you upside down, fill your word removed with Guinness, and then drink every last drop". The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up, Love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right, he's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my word removed with Guinness and then drink it all..." she cries.

The husband stops, puts down his bat and then returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love... I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness."

(Rantin Rob)

Todays offering

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

4/10/2006

Joke of the Day

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"